Mentoring Men Towards Maturity

For what do you want to be known? For most of us, the answer to this question has been sanctified through the years. Before coming to Christ, and even in the process of becoming more like Christ, there is often the desire to be known by those things that make much of us: financial stability, athletic or musical accomplishments, social media popularity, etc. While these things can be blessings, true blessedness rests not in what we have accomplished or in what others think about us.

For what should you be known? If we profess the name of Christ, then above all else and in all else we should be known for being Christlike as we follow Him. Jesus said, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me” (John 10:27).

For what are you currently known the most? Is it your love of Christ and desire to live unto Him who died and now intercedes for you? Do you sometimes still seek to be known by others for how many fish you caught, deer you shot, money you got, or other temporal pursuits you primarily sought?

For what will you be known? At your funeral service, what will stand out the most to those who knew you best as they reflect upon your life? Will they be compelled to share of Christ’s sanctifying love in and through you as manifested your great love for Him and them (2 Corinthians 5:14-15)?

As Christ is the only perfect example of mature manhood, mature manhood involves not the exaltation of self but the enjoyment and proclamation of Him (Galatians 2:20; Colossians 1:28) in all that He has entrusted to us. Going back to our original question, for what do you want to be known? If our ambition or aim is to be pleasing to Christ (2 Corinthians 5:9), then we must know what that looks like in order to pursue it.

Recently I was allowed to participate in my son’s archery club. It had been years since I had shot my bow, and I was grateful that the target was a big one. My initial ambition was simply to not miss the target. Thankfully embarrassment was mostly avoided as all my arrows hit the big target, though it was apparent that my aim was far from steady. After a few rounds, I decided I needed to narrow my focus. I found a feather laying on the floor, placed it on the target, and gave my best effort to aim all my arrows at it. Though not completely successful, the intentional focus on a well-defined target produced far better results.

When it comes to discipleship or maturing in Christ, Christ Himself must be kept intentionally in our focus as we use the means of grace He has provided to know and become more like Him. Commenting on Hebrews 12:2, Sinclair Ferguson, in his book Maturity, wrote:

Jesus Christ is both the author of our faith and the one who matures and perfects it. He died to bring us to maturity. He lives to accomplish that goal. It is the reason why he gave us the ministry of his word, which, when exercised faithfully, nourishes all the other spiritual gifts in the church. If maturity was the great goal of the apostles’ ministry, then it ought to be the goal in our own lives too, and the deep desire of our hearts.¹

As I have considered recently how to help others achieve this aim in the context of my local church and through our counseling ministry, I have found a four-point aim for discipling (as presented by Dr. Rick Holland and Dr. Ernie Baker) to be beneficial: Content (Head), Character (Heart), Competency (Hands), Community (Home).² Each of these 4 C’s are implied in texts like Ephesians 4 and Romans 15:14: “I myself am satisfied about you, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness [character], filled with all knowledge [content] and able [competent] to instruct one another [community].”

First and foundational, if a man is going to grow in spiritual maturity then he must grow in the knowledge of God, as summarized by the word content.

Spiritual Maturity Involves Content

While growing in content, character, competency, and community are not mutually exclusive, content (the knowledge of God and His will through His Word) is foundational for growth in true godliness. Proverbs 9:10 says, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” Note what Paul first prays for in Colossians 1:9, “We have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” True wisdom and insight stems from a proper knowledge and acknowledgement of God as revealed through His Word. A. W. Tozer wrote, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”³ Why is this? Our lives are a reflection of what we believe. In believing God is holy, do not our sins compel us to look unto Christ as the only remedy for our sin and the only hope to live in holiness?

What content do we strive to see others come to understand? The starting place in discipling others is confirming they know (intellectually and experientially) the goodness of God as manifested in the person and work of our Lord Jesus Christ. In mentoring men, the starting point must include the gospel. Do they understand the gospel well enough to not only share their own testimony but also to explain it with clarity to others?

What is their understanding of God Himself? Do they know God as He has revealed Himself and the resulting implications upon their lives? Do they need help in establishing a Bible reading plan that they may more fully know its Author and essential doctrines by which to live? In addition to hearing the preaching of the Word each Sunday, what supplemental resources might you go through with them to help with further understanding?⁴

Certainly maturity involves more than knowing content, which is why discipleship seeks to establish the connection between the head and heart, or content and character. The aim is not to merely be able to talk good theology, but rather to have a proper knowledge of God that leads to proper living before God (and others). How grievous it was for Talkative (in The Pilgrim’s Progress) to talk so much about God and religion while in the company of Christian and Hopeful, yet live like the devil in his own home. In discipling others, we aim to see the knowledge of Christ lead to transformation in character that reflects Christlikeness in all of life.

Spiritual Maturity Involves Character

We are all works in progress as God works upon our hearts to conform us to the image of His Son (Philippians 1:6; Romans 8:29; 2 Corinthians 3:18). In regards to character, the heart matters! We do what we do and we say what we say because of what rules our hearts (Proverbs 4:23; Mark 7:21-23; Matthew 6:19-21). Helping others mature in Christ involves helping them consider the desires and thought processes behind their emotions and behaviors. Do they understand that we are worshipping all the time? The question is who or what are we worshipping at any given moment, as demonstrated by our motives and use of our God-given time, talents, and resources. The following questions can be helpful in developing Christ-honoring character:⁵

What was going on? (Situation: Proverbs 18:13, 15, 17; 20:5)

What were you thinking/feeling? (Heart: Proverbs 23:7; Jeremiah 17:9)

What did you do in response? (Behavior: Proverbs 4:23)

What did you want? (Motive: James 4:1-3; Matthew 6:21)

What was the result? (Consequences: Galatians 6:7)

What should be most important? (Worship: Matthew 22:37-39; 1 Corinthians 10:31)

What does it look like to glorify God? (Instruction: 2 Timothy 3:16)

In aiming to help men grow in Christlike character, the qualifications related to the office of an elder (1 Timothy 3:1-7) or the beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12) are great starting points. It might also prove beneficial to work through a focused book study depending upon where those you are discipling need to grow.⁶

Growing in maturity also involves appropriating content and character through competence.

Spiritual Maturity Involves Competency

Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” Competence involves the knowledgeable, Christ-honoring use of the gifts given us for God’s glory and the good of others. Not only do we want to see others come to know the gospel, but we are able to readily share it with others. Not only do we want others to understand that God gives gifts, but we want them to know how to use those gifts in building up the church in very tangible ways. Related to competence, we want to involve and equip others for the work of ministry (Ephesians 4:12) as we think through questions such as these:⁷

How can I involve him in ministry in appropriate timing and ways?

What skills does he need to learn to function in the body of Christ?

Where does he fit into the body?

What are his spiritual gifts?

How can I teach through modeling?

Mentoring men in competence could be summarized as follows:

I do it, you watch me.

We do it together.

You do it, I watch you.

To that end, Thomas Watson wrote, "It is not the knowing, nor the talking, nor the reading man, but the doing man—who at last will be found the happiest man… Godliness consists in an exact harmony between holy principles and practices.”⁸ Competence involves learning to share and live out the principles of God’s Word.⁹

Growth in content, character, and competency all serve to glorify God in the context of community.

Spiritual Maturity Involves Community

As we see in Ephesians, the context for maturing in Christlikeness is in community; namely the church and home. In regards to the home, Wayne Mack wrote: “Attempting to grow in Christ outside of the church is like trying to learn to swim without ever getting into the pool!”¹⁰ Joel Beeke, in his book Piety, summarized John Calvin on the importance of the church to piety or godliness:

Most genuine piety is nurtured by the believer’s connection with the church established by Jesus Christ. Piety is not simply individualistic but has a predominant ecclesiological dimension. Believers are engrafted into Christ and his church, and spiritual growth occurs within the church. The visible church, as Calvin teaches, is therefore the mother, educator, and nourisher of every believer, for the Holy Spirit acts in her according to his promises. Believers cultivate piety by the Spirit through the church’s worship and teaching ministry, progressing from spiritual infancy to adolescence to full maturity in Christ; they do not graduate from the church on earth until they die.¹¹

For those men who have families, the most vital place for them to share content, character, and competency is in the community of their own home.¹² Not only should they grow in their own walk with the Christ, but point their family to Christ through modeling as well as informal and formal instruction (Ephesians 5:22-6:4). Perhaps one of the most important ways that regular teaching can take place is through family worship. Thus, David Wegener offers this reflection of the American pastor James Alexander in his book Thoughts on Family Worship:

Nothing will spur a father toward godly, spiritual discipline in his own walk with Christ more than leading his family in worship. In order to teach his wife and children, he will have to study the Scriptures on his own… Regular family worship shows the children that their parents believe that Jesus Christ is central to all of life. This practice leaves a legacy that will benefit thousands in generations to come.¹³

For what do you want to be known? When all is said and done in your appointed days upon this earth, will those at your funeral above all else celebrate that through you Christ was beautifully made known?

¹ Sinclair Ferguson, Maturity: Growing Up and Going On in the Christian Life (Banner of Truth, 2019), 18.

² Outline adapted from Dr. Ernie Baker and Dr. Rick Holland:
Dr. Ernie Baker, “Head, Heart, Hands, and Home,” https://ibcd.org/head-heart-hands-home/.
Dr. Rick Holland and Dr. Keith Palmer, “Discipling Men,” https://thecbcd.org/resources/episode-35-discipling-men.

³ A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy (New York: Harper Collins, 1961), 1.

⁴ Though I don’t fully endorse all perspectives in each book, here are some good resources to consider regarding content:
Stuart Scott, The Exemplary Husband (Focus Publishing, 2002), chapters 1-3, 7, 21.
Paul Washer, Knowing the Living God (HeartCry Missionary Society, 2021).
Paul Washer, Discovering the Glorious Gospel (HeartCry Missionary Society, 2021).
Joel Beeke and Brian Cosby, None Else: Meditations on God’s Character and Attributes (Reformation Heritage, 2020).
Gregg Allison, 50 Core Truths of the Christian Faith (Baker Books, 2018).

⁵ Questions adapted from the book Getting to the Heart of Parenting by Paul Tripp.

⁶ Suggested resources to consider regarding character:
Stuart Scott, The Exemplary Husband (Focus Publishing, 2002), chapters 8, 13-14, 18-20 along with appendices 1-2, 5, 8-9.
Jerry Bridges, The Blessing of Humility (NavPress, 2016).
John Flavel, Keeping the Heart (Christian Heritage, 2012).

⁷ Questions and quote adapted from Dr. Ernie Baker, “Head, Heart, Hands, and Home,” https://ibcd.org/head-heart-hands-home/.

⁸ Thomas Watson, The Godly Man’s Picture, 7.

⁹ Suggested resources to consider regarding competence:
Stuart Scott, The Exemplary Husband (Focus Publishing, 2002), chapters 9, 10, 12, 15-17 with appendix 6.
Timothy Witmer, The Shepherd Leader (P&R Publishing, 2010).
Jim Berg, Changed into His Image (BJU Press, 2018).
R. C. Sproul, Defending the Faith, https://www.ligonier.org/learn/series/defending-your-faith.

¹⁰ Wayne Mack and Dave Swavely, Life in the Father’s House (P&R, 2006), 29.

¹¹ Joel Beeke, Piety: The Heartbeat of Reformed Theology, 23-24.

¹² Suggested resources to consider regarding community:
Stuart Scott, The Exemplary Husband (Focus Publishing, 2002), chapters 4-6, 11, and appendices 3-4.
Wayne Mack and Dave Swavely, Life in the Father’s House (P&R Publishing, 2006).
Stuart Scott and S. Andrew Jin, 31 Ways to Be a "One-Another" Christian (Shepherd Press, 2019).
John Younts, Everyday Talk: Talking Freely and Naturally about God with Your Children (Shepherd Press, 2005).

¹³ “A Father’s Role in Family Worship,” Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, https://cbmw.org/1998/11/01/a-fathers-role-in-family-worship/.