Involving Others for Spiritual Growth

Billy confesses his anger to you and asks for help. His family feels like they are constantly walking on eggshells when he is home. Bob confesses his pattern of viewing pornography (after he was caught by his wife). Beth confesses her deep struggle with sinful anxiety and bitterness. Betty confesses her unwanted struggle with self-harm. Whether such struggles are shared in formal counseling or over a cup of coffee (perhaps diluted with tears), what are your first action steps going to be? Of course, you will want to prayerfully keep in mind the key elements of biblical counseling:¹ Gather data, discern the problem biblically, gain involvement, give hope, give instruction, and give homework.

Certainly, out of compassion and love, we want to gain involvement with our counselees as much as would be beneficial. However, some counseling situations can require more time than any one person can sacrificially give—especially when you are working with Billy, Bob, Beth, and Betty all at the same time (in addition to your ministry to your own family and full-time work). Whether counseling one person or a handful of people each week, it is often prudent to involve others (as appropriate) in the counseling process sooner rather than later.

Why Involve Others in the Church in the Counseling Process (ASAP)?

There are several reasons to involve others in the counseling process as appropriate. One is to train others by involving them in counseling. Another reason is the person observing or assisting may contribute helpful insights that could be otherwise missed. In today’s society, there is also prudence in involving someone else for the sake of liability issues. But the reason in focus for this blog is that involving another person can prove instrumental in the counseling and growth process because another person can assist with implementation, encouragement, and accountability.

If you have ever thought that a meaningful one-hour meeting per week is probably not enough for someone suffering greatly or someone who is trying to break away from life-dominating sins, you have made a good assessment. When emotions are running high or sin is running deep, “Two are better than one … a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 12). The church is the primary context for our spiritual growth and change. It is where believers come alongside each other in humility, speaking the truth in love and encouraging one another to grow up in every way into Christ (Ephesians 4) as we are guided by the instruction found in the Scriptures (Romans 15:4; 2 Timothy 3:16-17; Titus 2).

Have you ever noticed that “you” used in Scripture is often in the plural rather than singular? This is the case in Ephesians 4 where we are called to put off sin and live in holiness unto Christ. While a gospel-driven pursuit of Christlikeness should characterize every individual, the overarching call upon each believer is to grow in godliness through the encouragement and accountability of other believers through both corporate gatherings and smaller group contexts. We cannot “one another” apart from knowing and being around “one another.”

In the book How Should We Develop Biblical Friendship?, Joel Beeke and Michael Haykin write that friendships are “a vital way that God works in the lives of His children to help them grow in grace and stay true to Christ. In this world, which is no friend to grace, God has designed the Christian life to be ‘a life together’ in which believing friends aid one another and bear one another’s burdens and pray for one another and encourage one another. May God give us such friendships—those that are deep, transparent, and affirming, and in which we serve as guardians of each other’s souls.”²

What Are Some Benefits of Involving Others in the Counseling Process?

When we are more accountable, we are less likely to fall into a trap. Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 13:20 says, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” In Pilgrim’s Progress, Hopeful was enticed by the empty promise of Demas at the silver mine: “If you come, with a little effort you can provide richly for yourselves.”³ Through Christian’s counsel, Hopeful saw through the vain invitation of Demas and later thanked Christian.

When we are more accountable, we are more likely to continue in the disciplines of grace. Are we not prone to want comfort and ease rather than strive to honor Christ in our roles and goals? Last night, I committed to go mountain biking with my wife and son at daylight this morning. When the totally annoying alarm went off this morning at 5:30 and my body screamed at me to go back to bed because I felt so tired, I likely would have done just that had there not been the expectation of my wife and son to follow through with our plan. Two hours and seventeen miles of mountain biking adventure later, I was grateful for their accountability and the refreshing exercise. As 1 Timothy 4:8 says, “While bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.” Far more important than bodily training is our intentional coming alongside one another for the pursuit of godliness. When someone is prone to continue in well-established, sinful thought and behavior patterns, does it not make sense that we surround them with appropriate others to also encourage them to forsake sin and “press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus”? (Philippians 3:14)

When we are more accountable, we are less likely to get away with wayward actions. Galatians 6:1 says, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Being known and helped by more than one person makes it less likely for sin to go unnoticed and unaddressed. Should someone continue in sin, then the steps of discipline can be more naturally ministered if needed in the pursuit of restoration (Matthew 18:15-17). Knowing that there is someone who cares enough to consistently ask pointed questions can be used by God to keep sin at bay and to restore one quickly when necessary.

How to Involve Others in the Counseling Process

In nearly every counseling session, I involve at least one other person from the very beginning as much as possible. Then usually at the conclusion of the first session, I ask the counselee for names of anyone already involved or who they believe would be (biblically) helpful in coming alongside them. As we identify the core heart and behavioral issues needing attention, we put together a “game plan” of who can encourage them between sessions with their homework and any relevant accountability questions.

If married, the first line of accountability should generally be the spouse (unless there are issues that make this unwise). Marriage should be a central place for harmonious human accountability. All of the relevant “one another” passages should be applied here first and foremost in the “one flesh” relationship. Concerning the marriage relationship, Richard Baxter wrote: “It is a mercy to have so near a friend to be a helper to your soul; to join you in prayer and other holy exercises; to watch over you and tell you of your sins and dangers, and to stir up in you the grace of God, and [remind] you of the life to come, and cheerfully accompany you in the ways of holiness.”

In the context of my church, establishing accountability usually involves others from our weekly Care Group gatherings in addition to any appropriate family members. Given the shame often associated with suffering and sin, sometimes a dialogue with the counselee is needed to help them understand the blessings of letting appropriate others in the body of Christ get involved. Frequently, others may not feel “qualified” to help, but with some clear guidance on how to use their time together, their meetings normally become a great blessing to both and meaningful friendships are developed.

On a practical note, what might involving others in between counseling sessions or after counseling is formally finished look like? In addition to helping them with any formal counseling homework, here are some general questions that can be a helpful springboard for accountability as others become involved:⁴

Have you spent daily time with God in Bible reading and prayer? If not, how do you plan on doing this?

What biblical principles impacted your life from your quiet times this week? How are you applying what you have learned?

Are you memorizing and reviewing Scripture memory verses consistently?

Have you given 100 percent effort in your job and home responsibilities?

How have you expressed encouragement, love, and praise to your spouse, kids, and others around you? If not, how will you?

What have you done to enhance your relationship with your spouse?

How have you been tempted and how did you respond?

Have you had any flirtatious or lustful attitudes, tempting thoughts, or exposed yourself to any explicit materials? If so, what provisions need to be removed or precautions taken to prevent this from occurring again?

Have you had any unwholesome talk, told any half-truths or outright lies, or exaggerated?

Have you made the most of every opportunity to share the gospel with unbelievers this week?

What was your biggest joy this week and why was it your biggest joy?

Have you allowed any person or circumstance to rob you of your joy?

Is your conscience clear? If not, how do you plan on attaining a clear conscience?

Have you offended anyone? If so, have you sought reconciliation, and how did you do so?

Are you being a good steward of the finances which God has entrusted you? Are you investing in worldly pleasures or in heavenly treasures?

Are you exercising on a regular basis? Are you practicing healthy eating habits?

In establishing meaningful accountability, you’ll want to add your own specific questions and discuss how often, when, and where you will go through them. For, as Randy Patten frequently says, “Change doesn’t happen in fuzzyland.” As we walk alongside others, may 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 characterize both us and those we seek to help: “For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.”

¹ Search “Key Elements” for more guidance at https://thecbcd.org/all-resources

² Joel Beeke and Michael Haykin, How Should We Develop Biblical Friendship?, 45-46.

³ John Bunyan, The Pilgrim’s Progress (retold by Cheryl Ford), (Tyndale, 2016), 123.

⁴ Questions from Grace Community Church’s “Accountability” brochure.