Preparental Counseling
We understand the benefits of godly premarital counseling. An engaged couple is shepherded through the Bible’s teachings on marriage, husband/wife roles, conflict resolution, communication, sex, money, and more. They receive this intentional equipping in advance, so they can enter a very new and different phase of life aiming at the right goals (as God defines them) and on the same page about it. Ideally, the premarital sessions and homework root out unbiblical (or unrealistic) expectations and prevent ungodly patterns and habits that the couple might otherwise develop. Who knows how many decades of good fruit results from good premarital counseling? How much sin and heartache is preempted?
The longer I counsel and pastor, the more convinced I become that we need more discipleship like that; discipleship that prepares believers to live and minister well, as much as possible, before they face the challenges and opportunities of a new season. So why don’t we do preparental counseling?
Parenting, like marriage, is a huge stewardship, with really high stakes. And many believers don’t have a clear and biblical idea of what they’re supposed to be aiming at when their first child comes along. I fear that many Christians really only aim at a “clean” version of the world’s priorities in parenting. But surely this falls far short of what the Bible commends as the goals and practices we should have in raising children! A “G-rated” version of the parenting that’s typical in our culture today (even with worship on Sunday morning sprinkled in) is a far cry from raising children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (see Ephesians 6:4; Deuteronomy 6:7). Furthermore, many new parents who do have biblical ideas about what they should aim for don’t know what that might look like in actuality.
How many years of good fruit might result from good preparental counseling? How many wasted opportunities might not end up wasted? Oh, the ministry of parenting passes by so fast! You only get a few years to parent a child. If you aren’t equipped ahead of time, an important season of parental stewardship might be gone just about the time you realize you’ve been missing so much. Let’s help new parents start well!
I’ll share what my wife and I have done in preparental counseling. Hopefully, these details will spark other good ideas in your mind, as you consider what might work well in your ministry context.
In our small church, when a couple is pregnant with their first child, my wife and I set up a weekly or biweekly meeting time. They’ll come over in the evenings, share dinner with us and our kids, watch our family worship, and then witness the glory (not) of after-dinner chores and the bedtime routine. Discipleship is both caught and taught, so we don’t only want to talk with the couple about parenting; we also want them to see our parenting a good amount.
Then, after our young children are in bed, we discuss J. C. Ryle’s Duties for Parents together, one section at a time.¹ Because this classic is so short, we just read part of it out loud together each meeting. No prep work needed. We’ll pick up where we left off when we meet again. I believe Ryle’s booklet is appropriately challenging and balanced, and we have also found that it provides many springboards for other good discussions.
On the side, I keep a list of the topics I want to be sure to cover with the couple, and if those topics aren’t all addressed naturally as we work through Ryle together, we set up another meeting to touch on whatever is left. Of course, the couple also brings and asks their own questions throughout our meetings. By the end of these sessions, a warm and familiar discipling/mentoring relationship should be established. Thus, the couple should feel like they have a wide-open door for future parenting counsel in the years ahead.
Truth be told, we’ve only done that whole process once! Preparental counseling is still a pretty fresh idea for me too. But it was such a sweet and profitable time of ministry, we plan to make it a regular part of our church ministry moving forward. I hope you will consider doing the same.
¹ Many hard copies of this work are available for purchase, but we print a free pdf version from the ministry of Chapel Library.