Honoring God with Your Sexuality—Part 2
Note: This is Part 2 of the series. You can read Part 1 here.
Principle 3: God Has Created Both Husband and Wife with Equal Ability to Satisfy Each Other (1 Corinthians 7:4)
The word “authority” in verse four means “control.” In the area of intimacy, the husband has the “control” over his wife’s body such that he can please her. Likewise, the wife has the “control” over her husband’s body such that she can please him. Remember, sexuality is a gift, not a “take.”
Further, both husband and wife have the same command. The wife, as well as the husband, should seek to initiate the pleasing of the other. Sexual relationships are to be equal and reciprocal. Because spouses are seeking to care for and minister to each other’s preferences, sexual intimacy in marriage tests the willingness to submit to the spouse’s authority.
It should be noted that while we have control and authority over our mates, that can never mean we ask them to do something that violates Scripture or their conscience. The controlling principle is that in the sexual relationship, the husband is a servant to his wife and he is giving a gift to her and not taking one from her.
Sexuality is a gift to give, not a “right” to take.
Now you might ask, “But don’t husbands and wives have different levels of sexual desire?” Almost certainly. And these verses address that difference: God’s word teaches you to sexually satisfy your mate; you are not to focus on your own level of desire. To refuse to consistently use your body to satisfy your mate is really rebellion against what God has said. That means that the proverbial “headache” or disinterest from one mate cannot control relationship. But it also means that the husband or wife that has a greater desire needs to temper those longings out of consideration for the mate. If both husband and wife desire to serve each other and fulfill their responsibilities, then whether the response is “yes” or “no” on a given night, there will not be disappointment.
Husbands and wives do not have a right to use their bodies however they want. Again, their body is a gift to their spouse. The force of verse three is not “you owe me…” but “I owe you (how can I give?)…”
The reason counselees are “disappointed” is not because of some inadequacy in the spouse; it is because they had selfish desires and expectations that the spouse didn’t meet. The resolution to that is not to berate the mate, but to confess and repent of the sin of selfishness of motives and stealing of affections.
Principle 4: Sexual Relations Are To Be Regular, Reciprocal, and Continuous (1 Corinthians 7:5)
When Paul commands, “Stop depriving” he is addressing a failure to “fulfill one’s duty” for selfish reasons. In case they missed the message of verses 3-4, verse five couldn’t be plainer: Stop being celibate in marriage. Some had already become celibate in their marriages and are being admonished to resume sexual relations with their spouses. It should also be observed that Paul’s statement “stop depriving” is the prohibition of a present tense imperative; by that he means, “Stop being in the regular practice of depriving each other.” He means us to understand that on a given night a spouse can say something like, “That’s not a gift tonight; I’d prefer not to have sex tonight. But can we try again tomorrow night (or another time soon)?” He is excluding the possibility of ongoing denial of sexual intimacy; he is not asserting that a spouse must always say “yes” to every expressed desire for sexual intimacy.
Now Paul does assert that there are times to be celibate, but they must meet all three conditions for abstinence that he establishes in this verse:
It is a mutual agreement—they must both agree to the abstinence.
It has a definite end—it’s not long-term.
It is for a spiritual purpose. The purpose of prayer that Paul mentions is something like fasting—it gives the couple a time to give undistracted attention to Christ for a particular reason and season. Notably, while they are “separated” physically for that season, they are united spiritually.
It is rare that the abstinence that most couples practice fit these parameters. Most often it just “happens” from default and is a sign of poor communication between the two. If they are not being regularly intimate, they need to examine how that happened, confess any sins that produced the abstinence, and then resume their God-given duty to each other sexually.
There are also three more considerations or warnings about abstinence:
Limit abstinence in marriage so that Satan’s purposes are thwarted. This is similar to verse two—sexuality is normal and expected in marriage and when it is not practiced, there are more opportunities to fall into sexual sin. Regular intimacy helps preclude that possibility.
Limited abstinence is permitted; it is not commanded. Even if a couple never abstains for prayer, they are still fully within the will, purpose, and intention of God. No one must have one or more seasons of agreed abstinence.
“Spiritual life” is never to be a pretext for denying a mate—that’s manipulation. Sex is a gift, not a manipulative tool. If one is regularly denying conjugal relations, they are abdicating their responsibilities and they are to stop denying. Though again, that statement is not to be used against a spouse who says “no” on a given night.
This discussion also leads to the question of the frequency of sexual relations—just how often should couples have sex? This is a question that has been debated for centuries—perhaps millennia!—as Philip Yancey has noted:
Between the third and tenth centuries, church authorities issued edicts forbidding sex on Saturdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and also during the forty-day fast periods before Easter, Christmas, and Pentecost, all for religious reasons. They kept adding feast days and the days of the apostles to the proscription, as well as the days of female impurity, until it reached the point that, as historian John Boswell has estimated, only forty-four days a year remained available for marital sex. Human nature being what it is, the church’s proscriptions were enthusiastically ignored.
While there is no prescription in Scripture about the number of times a couple should engage sexually, this passage does provide clear direction: for godly married couples, sexual intimacy should be regular and often. Here are three principles:
Sex should be often enough to avoid temptation (vv. 2, 5)
Sex should be often enough to satisfy each other (v. 4; Proverbs 5:19)
Sex should be considerate, preferring and serving each other (vv. 3-4; Philippians 2:3-4)
When a couple is struggling, it is often manifested in the area of their sexual life, and it most often is because they are self-centered in their sexual life (and elsewhere). Sex is a gift that is to be enjoyed regularly so that both spouses are satisfied.
Principle 5: Both Sex and Celibacy are God’s Gracious Gifts—Use Them Graciously (1 Corinthians 7:7-9)
These verses contain a word for singles. Just because one has not yet engaged in sexual activity, or does not have a biblical outlet for sexuality, does not mean that one is not a sexual being. All people are born sexual beings—either male or female (Genesis 1:27). But for the single person, God is gifting and enabling that one to use his or her sexuality in a different way (cf. also vv. 32-35).
Everyone has a gracious gift from God (v. 7); some receive the gift of celibacy and others of marriage. Celibacy is good, but it is not better than marriage. An unmarried and celibate person should give thanks for his or her sexuality and use celibacy to glorify God. And marriage is good (and sanctified by God), and for our protection. A married person should give thanks for his or her sexuality and use the sexual relationship to glorify God.
Whichever gift one has, it is to be used for God’s glory (1 Corinthians 6:20, the context of this section). If one is married, God has given him or her the gift of sexuality. The responsibility with that gift is to offer it to your mate in the same way that God has given it to you—as a gift and as a work of grace. And if one is unmarried, then God has given him or her the gift of sexuality to be delayed or unused. The responsibility of the unmarried person is to give their gift of celibacy to the Lord in order to serve Him faithfully and joyfully (v. 35).
Paul’s principles of sexuality have been serving the church for two millennia. As you care for counselees who struggle with these principles remember, and remind them, of the two guiding principles of this passage:
You are not your own. You’ve been bought with a price by God (1 Corinthians 6:20). Therefore, glorify God in your body by acting on the reality that you belong to Him, for His purposes.
Sexual intimacy in marriage is not only or ultimately for you. It’s for you to give as a gracious love gift to your spouse. Use it that way.