Back to Basics: Building a Relationship (Involvement)
Like in any other discipline, skill and competence in biblical counseling rest on a firm grasp of the basic elements of discipleship. Formal biblical counseling involves utilizing six key elements: Data gathering, building a relationship (involvement), determining ministry needs, ministering the Word, communicating hope, and implementing homework. In this series of articles, we will go "back to basics" to review these fundamental core skills needed in counseling. In this article, we will look at the skill of building relationships with counselees.
The Importance of Relationship
Scripture reveals that the Christian life is largely about relationships. The believer's primary relationship is with God Himself. Indeed, this is the goal of the gospel: "…I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" (Philippians 3:8). Indeed, Jesus died and rose again to reconcile believers to God so that they could have a relationship with Him (2 Corinthians 5:18-20). And out of a relationship with God, believers seek to love others and build relationships with them: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39).
Discipleship relationships, whether they occur in formal counseling settings or less formally in spiritual friendships, are the vehicle of ministry. Therefore, it is crucial that biblical counselors (and all Christians in general) learn how to initiate, build, and develop strong relationships with other people.
How Are You Perceived as a Counselor?
Influence in counseling depends, in part, on how the counselee views the counselor. It is unlikely that a person will follow the advice of someone that he does not respect, trust, or believe to be knowledgeable about helping in the situation. Proverbs 27:9 states, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, So a man's counsel is sweet to his friend." In other words, a person is more likely to view another’s counsel as "sweet" if they deem that it is coming from a friend. In fact, Scripture teaches that even words of loving rebuke are more likely to be received well when they come from a friend (Proverbs 27:6). Biblical counselors understand the importance of building a helping relationship with the counselee such that she will view the counselor as a trusted, knowledgeable, loving friend. This article will explain how counselors can develop this type of relationship with other people.
Six Ways to Build a Relationship with Your Counselee
While each relationship in counseling is somewhat unique, the Bible reveals that there are basic ways that God intends for believers to relate to one another. Here are six strategies for developing a relationship with a counselee that is conducive to discipleship ministry.
Learn to be Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak. James exhorts his readers that they should be "…quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (James 1:19). As I work with beginner counselors, I find that they are often eager to share God's Word with hurting people. This desire is commendable. But it is essential that they learn to be good listeners first. "He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him" (Proverbs 18:13). The most basic way that we build a caring relationship with other people is taking the time to listen to their story. To grow in this skill, ask people who know you well (spouse, children, close friends, etc.) if you are a good listener. Look a person in the eye when you are with him as much as possible (sometimes we need to take notes as well). Ask clarifying questions. Don't formulate responses or allow your mind to wander as you hear the counselee's story. Strategies like these will help you to grow to be a better listener.
Practice the One Another Commands. The New Testament reveals over thirty commands that include the phrase, "one another." These rules for relationships form the backbone of how Christians ought to interact with one another. And while sometimes these exhortations are difficult to practice, they are not complicated to understand: Love one another. Be kind to one another. Encourage one another. Exhort one another. Counselors may benefit from the book by Dr. Stuart Scott entitled 31 Ways to be a “One Another” Christian. In this resource, Dr. Scott explains and offers application for thirty-one of the "one another" commands from Scripture. In essence, the one another instructions from Scripture provide the overall blueprint for biblical relationships. Counselors need to know these commands, evaluate themselves in light of these commands, and grow in greater conformity to these relational commands.
Learn to Act in Love. Though the command to "love one another" is part of the one another commands, it is worthy of a more detailed look. In the famous passage on love found in 1 Corinthians 13, counselors will discover a roadmap for building a caring relationship with counselees. In this section, Paul describes biblical love by showing it to be a series of Christlike actions: showing patience, kindness, avoiding jealously, arrogance, rudeness, and self-centeredness. While these attributes ought to characterize how a believer treats others in general, they are particularly essential for building a good relationship with counselees. For example, counselors should initially "believe the best" of people, even though they recognize that some don't always tell the truth in counseling. Counselors shouldn't be self-seeking by frequently talking about themselves. Counselors should show kindness by not immediately trying to "correct" every "problem" that they might perceive in the counselee. Many other applications can be made from this passage. But the point is this: counselors need to learn to practice biblical love.
Demonstrate Humility and Hope. Sometimes counselors forget what it is like to be on the receiving end of counsel. Most of us would agree that we are best helped by a humble, sympathetic, and yet hopeful person who is in a position to give us biblical advice. "God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6). In this passage, James reminds his readers that God is against the proud but supplies grace to the humble. Biblical humility is one hallmark of godliness and maturity. When giving counsel, humility says, "I need the same grace that I am offering you." In contrast, a counselor who is proud, who looks down on other people, and who is overly critical and judgmental is not the type of person that anyone would want to come to for advice. Likewise, a pessimistic counselor is unlikely to instill encouragement in a counselee. While counselors point others to the hope and help found in the Bible through the person of Jesus, they also demonstrate a true belief in that hope through their attitude, optimism, encouragement, and even the tone they use in counseling. Like the apostle Paul wrote to the Philippians, influential counselors embody a posture in counseling that communicates, "I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). Effective counselors communicate to discouraged, perhaps even hopeless, counselees that God is able to do “far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20).
Model that You Really Work for Christ. Paul wrote to the Colossians that they ought to do their work “heartily, as for the Lord, rather than for men” (Colossians 3:23). This perspective affects dozens of factors in counseling. It provides an overall goal in counseling: to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31). This means that counselors will patiently endure a difficult counselee. Counselors will strive for faithfulness to Christ regardless of how their counselee may respond. Working for Christ means that counselors will be well-organized, prepared, and attentive. Working for Christ reminds counselors that they cannot rightly share Christ with others when they have not been with Him themselves. Like Paul told Timothy, faithful counselors learn to pay attention to themselves, as well as to their teaching (1 Timothy 4:16). Following the example of Ezra, they apply the truth of the Word of God to their own hearts before they endeavor to teach others (Ezra 7:10). Counselors instill confidence and trust in counselees when it is obvious that they are being transformed by the same truths they are teaching others. Working for Christ means that counselors don’t give up easily in counseling. They live for the smile of their Master. They labor, striving according to His power which mightily works within them (Colossians 1:29). They don’t quit, even in a difficult case, until “Christ is formed” in the counselee (Galatians 4:19). There have been times in our church’s counseling ministry where, after a season of difficulty in counseling, a dear brother or sister has later said, “Thanks for not giving up on me.”
Strive to Build up and Show Grace. Finally, counselors should practice the same truths about communication that they often teach to others: speak to edify and avoid unwholesome speech (Ephesians 4:29). These qualities build solid counseling relationships. Counselors strive for words that are calculated to build up and help. Counselors strive to speak what is appropriate for the need of the moment, rather than state the first thing that comes to mind. Counselors strive to season all of their speech with the salt of grace and kindness (Colossians 4:6). It is easy to get frustrated in counseling. It is easy to get defensive and angry when counselees critique the counselor, rather than exemplify patience (2 Timothy 2:24). But building a relationship of trust with a counselee often requires time, patience, and persistence in godly communication. Biblical counselors strive to model Christlike communication with others.
Effective counseling requires that counselors learn to build caring relationships of trust with counselees. As a counselee is more convinced that the counselor is a true, biblical “friend,” she is more likely to listen to and follow the advice of her counselor. Building this type of “involvement” in counseling is not about professional techniques and secular counseling secrets. Instead, developing an influential relationship of care simply requires that Christians learn to “love neighbor,” modeling the attitudes and practices outlined in the New Testament and exemplified by Jesus. In short, we grow to be more effective counselors when we’re growing to be more godly Christians.